Heaven and Hell are real

But it's nothing like the way the Christians tell it.

When you die, your soul divides into 2. The good parts of you explode into bubbles that fly away and make happiness wherever they go. And the bad parts of you, the parts that couldn't let go, get stuck together in a slimy pile. How much of you goes to heaven, and how much of you goes to hell doesn't depend upon whether or not you were good to others. What matters is how well you treated yourself. The parts of you that loved yourself fly away, and the parts of you that you hated are stuck together, for all eternity, trapped in a room with the version of yourself could have been. Because that is who you abused- the person you could have been. But you were cruel to that potential. You didn't live that person live, and now, you must face them, forever.